This week’s coaching is in response to another reader question. Andy from Amery, Wisconsin writes, “After my mother passed, I found out that I will be inheriting a large sum of money when the estate is settled. I hope to keep the principal in the bank and use the dividend and interest to pay things off. I am looking forward to how this will positively change our lives. However, my wife is upset about the money. I want to pay off our house which my wife and I have been equally contributing to, but she is upset that the house will then be “more mine than hers.” How do I deal with this? In the end, it’s life circumstances, it’s not my fault that I got the inheritance.”

From Kari:
Relationships are comprised of your thoughts about the other person, their thoughts about you and both of your thoughts about the two of you. That’s a lot of thoughts to balance, but ultimately the only ones you control are yours.

While the amount of the inheritance and who it is from has one meaning for you, it obviously brings up different thoughts for your wife, at least in regards to paying off your home mortgage. Trying to better understand your wife’s concerns and emotions can help move you closer to figuring out how to work through the next steps together. 

Anytime you are trying to make decisions, whether on your own or with someone  else, it’s also helpful to have all of the relevant facts available or to find those facts if a concern comes up. Marital property laws are well beyond the expertise of this columnist, but once you identify your wife’s underlying concerns you could choose to further clarify the facts with an expert.

But, those details may not be what your wife is actually worried about when she says “more mine than hers.” From a place of love and concern, inquire about what that means for her. Regardless of the legal details of this inheritance and paying off your home, the root of her concern is what she perceives this to mean. 

You probably wouldn’t choose to turn away this inheritance from your late mother, but it’s also likely that your wife doesn’t actually want you to do that either even though she has some fear about what she thinks this will mean. While you can’t change how your wife thinks and feels, you can seek to understand her concerns and address them. 

Approaching this from a mindset that one of you is at fault or that this is a “you versus me” situation can lead to confrontation which often prompts defensiveness and increases divisiveness in the relationship. However, you can choose to approach this from a place of love and collaboration when you choose to believe that you can figure this out together. This makes it more likely that you understand your wife better and that sets you up to look for a way to deal with this together. 

Your wife may or may not choose to change her thinking about this, and that’s OK. You can’t control how she responds, but people will often be more open when they believe their concerns are being seen and heard. By choosing to show up from love and intending to understand and connect, you make it more likely that you will like how you deal with this moving forward.

Do you have a question for a Master Certified Life Coach? Please send your questions to kari@heykarianne.com OR submit them via the “Ask Kari” page at heykarianne.com.