This week we head back to the inbox for another reader question from Stacey in Centuria, Wisconsin: What do you think about people who say they are “too busy” to do something with you or for you? Is this legitimate or not or does it depend? I have noticed a lot of people in my life say they “don’t have the money” for something, but then they come up with the money for things that they personally find important. I feel like this is the case with time too. People seem to make time for things they want to do and don’t make time for things that they don’t want to do. Granted, I know some people are truly busy with kids and multiple jobs, but even then people make time for what they want. What are your thoughts on this? 

From Kari:
Having coached clients from many countries, it’s apparent that “Too busy” and “too much” are common thoughts all over the globe. We’ve likely all said these phrases at some point, but there is no universal definition for them.

Of course, there are some cultural and social norms that groups of people may collectively believe are important or might classify as too much, but even then, these phrases are still subjective. 

There is no agreed upon amount for what is “too much” to spend for everyone, no rule for how busy is too busy, and no specific way to know what is and isn’t important for everyone.

It’s also human for us to want everyone to get on board with our own definitions for ideas like these, but the reality is that every adult gets to decide for themselves.  

So if everyone won’t agree on our personal definitions, what then? Thankfully, you still have complete control over what counts as too busy, too expensive, and important in your own life. And, you also get to decide what you make it mean for you when someone says things to you like “I’m too busy” or “I don’t have the money for that.”  

For example, if you ask someone to do something with you this Friday and they respond, “I’m too busy,” how you feel about this is dependent on your thoughts about what they said. And there are many ways to choose to think about it. 

You might make it mean, “That’s too bad because it’s going to be so much fun” and remain excited about the event.  But someone else might think, “They must not want to spend time with me” and feel disappointed or rejected. And yet another person might think, “They should be managing their time better” and feel annoyed or frustrated. The facts are the same in each of these: the friend said words about being too busy and they do not plan to attend. How you choose to give that meaning is up to you.

There will be people that we wish were never too busy for us or maybe we have thoughts about how they should spend their money a different way. It’s completely normal and human of us to have expectations of others. But when we need others to meet those expectations in order to feel good, we give them control over our happiness and emotions. Even if your definition of too busy is different than a friend’s is, you still have the power to choose what their words mean to you.

Do you have a question for a Master Certified Life Coach? Please send your questions to kari@heykarianne.com OR submit via the “Ask Kari” page at heykarianne.com.