Our reader question this week comes from Dan & Patti in Balsam Lake, Wisconsin: My mother lives about 350 miles away from us and we don’t get to see her that often. On a recent visit, we noticed that she seems to forget things more and more. She is in her early-80s, and she is forgetting times, dates, and other things. We recently tried to nicely and respectfully point this out to her, but instead of seeing the truth she just got argumentative with us and says she is not declining mentally. While it is not severe, we do worry about what the future will hold for her. What would you recommend doing in this situation? She is a very stubborn person much like when her own mother was the same age. We don’t want to be mean, we are generally concerned for her.

From Kari:
When I first became a parent, my Dad shared his philosophy with me, “when you bring children into the world it is your job to take care of them until it’s time for them to take care of you.” Of course, knowing when it’s time for the child to take care of the parent is not always clear-cut. Within the last ten years, I witnessed both of my parents as they shifted from adult child into caregiver, and each situation was unique but challenging in its own way. 

It is difficult to watch someone you love no longer function the way they once were. And as challenging as that is for you, it is likely also difficult for your mother to accept this change in her abilities and cognition. Most likely her response to your concerns is coming from her own fears about her independence and also possibly her own fears about her memory. 

Listening to and acknowledging these fears and concerns is a start. Knowing her perspective can help as you communicate with her about how she wants to handle this moving forward. While it may not be comfortable, communicating this now will help you decide how to proceed both in the present but also in the future should she require more care.

You and your wife may also want to plan ahead and consider what your criteria are to decide if you intervene with your mother. Consider how you will monitor the situation from afar or get the support you need for your mother as she ages. 

The time may come when your mother insists she is fine, but you no longer agree. This is where having previously had those conversations with her about how she might want you to handle this can be helpful. And even with those conversations, it may still be challenging to take action. Your mother may not appreciate your choice to intervene and the process may still be uncomfortable. However, if you are clear on your reasons for stepping in, then you at least know that you have made this decision from your best intentions.

Decide now where you will draw the line on stepping in to help your mother and be clear on your reasons for this decision. If deciding what you want this to look like remains challenging, seek out the assistance of experts on aging and dementia. Your local Aging and Disability Resource Center can offer guidance as well as groups like the Alzheimer’s Association that provide resources for dementia and Alzheimer’s caregivers. 

Do you have a question for a Master Certified Life Coach? Please send your questions to kari@heykarianne.com OR submit via the “Ask Kari” page at heykarianne.com.