February brings up a lot of talk about love and relationships. Still, today’s questions highlight that the flowers and fanfare of Valentine’s Day are just one of many parts of relationships. 

Dear Kari,
My husband and I have three kids and have been married for almost 20 years. He often works late and is frequently gone for a few days at a time. When he is home, he lets his job stress take over. He says he can’t leave this job because we need his salary and he can’t find a similar job. His attitude makes it hard to enjoy time together, and I feel stuck. Something needs to change, but he won’t. Thanks, Melissa

It’s natural for you to want your husband to change so you don’t feel stuck, but the only response you can control is your own. Often the advice might be to communicate clearly what you need, and while will likely be helpful too, it still doesn’t mean your husband will accommodate your requests even if you share them. 

Start by acknowledging how you feel right now. Offer yourself some grace for having this human reaction. Then, explore what you are making this situation mean for you. A critical part of coaching is separating our story from the facts. Your husband works certain hours, travels on specific days, and says specific words. These are facts. 

When you think “(it) makes it hard to enjoy any time together,” it may seem factual. But, your perception of the situation creates this stuck feeling. And, when you focus on it being hard to enjoy time together, your brain will look for evidence to support this. However, you can also consider how you might be approaching your relationship and your husband if you didn’t feel stuck. 

It’s normal to have thoughts and feelings like this. While you can’t control your husband, you can offer yourself compassion and decide how you want to respond.

Dear Kari,
I love my husband but sometimes I end up so irritated with him. We have two small children, and I spend all day with the kids. When he is home, it would be nice if he would help out, but he just watches TV while the kids fuss right in front of him. I don’t think I should have to ask him to help me out. How can I get him on the same page? - Jamie

Notice what you have written on that “page” about how your husband “should” be showing up. What are your expectations of him? Why? How do you show up in your relationship when feeling irritated?

Most of us have unwritten expectations in our relationships, but just because we have them doesn’t mean others will follow them. As much as you want to change your husband, he still chooses how he will show up. 

Wanting him to be on the same page comes from wanting to not feel irritated, but your husband’s inaction doesn’t create your irritation. That emotion comes from your interpretation of the situation.

Why does he need to follow your rules? What do you want to make it mean for you if he doesn’t? Even if you re-assess your unspoken rulebook for your husband, you may still feel irritated sometimes. Decide how you want to respond when those feelings come up. There is no right or wrong answer, except for the way you choose is right for you.    

Do you have a question about relationships, goals or any other topic? Send them to kari@heykarianne.com OR submit them via the “Ask Kari” page at heykarianne.com.