Our reader question this week comes from Heidi in Wisconsin: My husband of 23 years makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. From morning until evening, he criticizes me. It is mentally putting a strain on me. What do I do? I tried talking to him about this and he promises he will change but that only lasts a few weeks to a few months and then he is back to the same old ways of putting me down and making me feel like garbage. A big reason why I stick around is just for the kids. What worries me is that his parents are the same way, and now I am seeing a lot of the same traits in my teen daughter. Ugh! Help! 

From Kari:
When your husband says these kinds of words to you, it’s natural for you to have some thoughts and feelings about it. But just because he says something does not mean it is true. For example, if he were to tell you that your green and purple striped hair looks stupid but you actually have blonde hair, you probably wouldn’t make his comment mean anything negative about you because you know it isn’t true.

When you tell yourself, “I can’t do anything right” you end up feeling “like garbage.” This might be emotions like shame, inadequacy, or sadness. When you think and feel this way, notice the actions you take. Maybe you question or doubt yourself, fixate on ways his comments seem true, or compare yourself to others. Most likely when you make his words mean “I can’t do anything right,” you make it harder for yourself to do what is right for you. You don’t have to like what he says and you don’t have to believe his words, just like you wouldn’t if he complained about green and purple hair.

Waiting for your husband to change and hoping that he will stop saying these things gives him all of the power over your emotions. You can ask him to change, but you cannot guarantee he will. What you can control is how you respond. 

Right now, your automatic response is to believe his comments or make them mean something about you, but you can get curious about what else might be possible. Just because you have been making it mean that you “can’t do anything right” doesn’t mean you have to continue that way. 

Imagine the women you admire most and consider what they might think if their partners said those things to them. Some might tell him he’s wrong, some might laugh and ignore him, some might leave immediately, some might set a clear boundary for what they will do if he continues, and others might respond completely differently. There is not one “right” way; the key is that you can choose how you will respond. 

Whether you stay or leave, you decide what “doing it right” means for you. Ask yourself what you really want. Envision your future self who doesn’t feel like garbage anymore and takes care of herself. What she would tell you to do? If you knew you could do this right for yourself, what would you choose?

Of course, if you have any concerns that your spouse’s behavior is abusive, please seek immediate and appropriate help. You can get support by calling the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, 1-800-799-7233.

Do you have a question for a Master Certified Life Coach? Please send your questions to kari@heykarianne.com OR submit via the “Ask Kari” page at heykarianne.com.