This week’s reader question comes from Dory in Alden, WI. My husband's parents are staying with us for three months this summer while their house is being renovated. How do I set boundaries in a respectful way?

From Kari:
A quick internet search brings up a wide variety of definitions for respectful, but the one that matters here is yours. 

As you prepare to host your in-laws for the summer, get clear on your expectations for their stay. Notice what you are concerned about as well as what is most important to you. What would it look like to respect yourself, your family, and your in-laws as you prepare for this summer?

One way to figure this out is to reverse engineer creating a successful summer with house guests. Visualize yourself at the end of their successful stay. Then get curious: What would make it successful? How will you know it has been a success? 

Consider what would need to transpire for you to create that result in the future. What will you need to communicate to them and with each other for that to happen? How will you handle any adjustments and changes as they arise over the three months?

None of us have control over how other people think or act, but we do control how we choose to respond to other people and their actions. This is where getting clear about our expectations and boundaries comes into play.

Clear boundaries help you take care of your personal space, both physically and emotionally. But keep in mind that boundaries have two parts: first is the request you are making of others and second is what you will do to take care of your space if the boundary is crossed. For example, you could request that your guests replenish your favorite coffee if they use it. And if they don’t, the consequence might be that you keep it in a locked cabinet. The consequence part is always what you will do to take care of yourself as boundaries are not meant to control other people’s behavior. 

Initially, you may decide that you will start by expressing your expectations. This is helpful for others to know, but the expectation itself does not protect your emotional or physical well-being, that is up to you to follow through on if you decide your request was not met.

Maybe you want them to take care of their own dishes or maybe you want them to not disturb you before a certain time each morning. Whatever your expectations are, why not communicate those clearly? Sharing may be the most respectful thing you can do. While they may be able to guess some of your expectations, it is hard for anyone to honor requests that have not been communicated.

As the summer progresses, there may be times that you find you come across something you didn’t plan for in advance. Check in with your future self again. If you could ask the version of you who has had a successful summer of hosting, how would your future self suggest you approach this new expectation respectfully?

No matter what happens with your expectations, at the end of the summer it is your thoughts about the experience that will determine how you feel about it. If you were certain you could create a positive outcome, how will you approach it respectfully now?

Do you have a question for a Master Certified Life Coach? Please send your questions to kari@heykarianne.com OR submit via the “Ask Kari” page at heykarianne.com.