This week’s column features an answer to a reader question from Ingrid:

“I have a close friend who had a multi-year affair that ended about five years ago. She and her husband sought out counseling and things are better. However, her husband has been continuously holding the affair over her head. That really upsets me. 

He is suspicious every time she leaves the house alone, even for a work meeting with a male colleague or to go grocery shopping. I can see why the husband would be suspicious. However, holding it over her head is tearing her apart emotionally. He texts all the time wondering where she is and even making accusations. This gets worse when he drinks a lot. 

I don’t want to get involved, but it is making her a nervous wreck. I almost want to say maybe she needs to just move on. She does not deserve to live with this over her head for the rest of her life. Should she give him an ultimatum that he needs to truly forgive her and stop this behavior? We all make mistakes, but no one deserves to have something held over their head by their spouse.”

Thanks for writing, Ingrid. You feel upset because you are thinking, “he needs to forgive her and stop his behavior.” It may seem like if he would stop that behavior then your friend wouldn’t feel nervous and you would not have to feel upset. However, by requiring him to change for either of you to feel differently, you give him control over your emotions.

Naturally, we wish others would do things our way, but other adults get to think and behave however they choose. Your friend’s husband might think his wife should not meet with male coworkers, but she still has the agency to do so. You think he shouldn’t hold this over her, but her husband has agency to act how he chooses. 

While we may have unspoken or unwritten rulebooks for other people in our lives, they don’t always follow them nor do they have to comply. Your power is in deciding how you want to think and feel about it. So what can you do when someone doesn’t act the way you want? 

Setting clear boundaries can be helpful. It’s important to note that boundaries are never meant to control other people’s behavior. Boundaries are set to protect yourself and your emotional space. Think of a boundary as an invisible fence around your physical and emotional space. Others still get to behave how they want, but your boundary describes how you will take care of your own wellbeing if someone crosses a line you have set.

Boundaries statements look like: “If you ___, then I will ____.” Being clear with this allows you to focus on what you can control even if someone else behaves in a way that violates a boundary. It could look like, “If you text me more than once about who I’m with, then I will not respond.”    

Neither you nor your friend can make her husband forgive her, but she can choose how she wants to respond to his behavior. While you may offer this suggestion to your friend, she still decides how she wants to proceed in her marriage, and you get to decide how you want to show up for your friendship no matter what action she chooses to take.

Do you want coaching on something in your life? Send your question via e-mail to midwestmoxie@heykarianne.com OR visit heykarianne.com and fill out the form on the “Ask Kari” tab.