This week we head to the inbox and provide answers to some family holiday questions:

Dear Kari: I’m looking forward to my kids and their families coming home for Christmas. But, the last time we were all together it was rough. I want things to be fun and memorable, but I am also stressing about the food, the gifts and if they will get along. I try so hard to make things great when we are all together but it doesn’t make a difference. I really want to enjoy this time together during the holidays, but I don’t know how to make it a positive experience for everyone. Thanks!  -Pamela 

Dear Pamela:
Any time you host, it is easy to drop into the energy of wanting to provide a positive experience for everyone else. We often want to please others, but other people’s perceptions of the meals, the gifts, and each other are out of your control. What you do have control over is how you choose to think about it. 

To start, get clear on how you are defining “great” and a “positive experience.” You likely have some expectations of how you hope everyone else will act and contribute to make it that way. 

You get to decide what you make the family gathering mean even if others don’t behave the way you wish. You can request that the others help out, but that request isn’t meant to control them. They get to show up as they choose. And because you can decide how you want to think about it, the holiday gathering can be a positive for you regardless of others behavior. 

Dear Kari: I love my husband, but every year at Christmas I end up disappointed and frustrated. He wants me to pick out my own gift and wrap it up, but it just isn’t the same if I buy it myself. I would feel a lot more joy if he picked it out for me. I know he isn’t going to change because we have disagreed about this before and he doesn’t think it is a big deal. How do I not let this ruin the holiday? -Kim.

Dear Kim:
While it may not seem like it, your enjoyment when you exchange gifts doesn’t come from the gift itself. The feeling of joy comes from your thoughts about the gift you receive. That’s good news because it means you have the power to create your gift experience.

It is completely reasonable to ask that your husband select a gift for you. However, as much as you may wish to control his actions, he gets to decide if he follows up on the request. Then, you decide what that means for you.

You can want your husband to select the gift he gives you, but when you rely on him to do this in order for you to feel joy you end up setting yourself up for disappointment. You give up the power over your emotions by having your joy depend on his actions.

Instead, evaluate your own expectations for your husband giving gifts. Consider what it would be like to release your rules for your husband and focus on creating the experience you want for yourself.

Life includes the full range of emotions. You might still feel disappointed, but joy is also yours to create. Why let this “ruin” the holiday?

Have a question for a Master Certified Coach? Readers can send questions via e-mail to midwestmoxie@heykarianne.com OR fill out the form on the “Ask Kari” tab.