We are designed to seek connection as a way to protect us and keep us a part of a larger group. There are countless ways to keep in touch now, but finding deeper connections can seem challenging amidst our busy lives. This week’s column features a connection-related question from a reader in Wisconsin:

I decided that this year I would be more intentional about staying connected with friends and family through phone conversations. As an introvert this sometimes takes effort and mental energy, even though I know it’s worth it. Some of the people I want to stay connected with can be long-winded on the phone. I feel drained after talking to them, yet also guilty for feeling this way because I value the relationship. I am less likely to call them as often because I figure it will be a minimum 45-minute conversation. How can I have these long conversations and feel fulfilled afterward rather than feeling drained?

Even though it might seem like it, the obstacle between you and feeling fulfilled after one of these calls is not the length of the call or the amount of conversation from the other person on the call. What is preventing you from feeling fulfilled is what you are thinking about the call. 

Notice what you are making it mean. Maybe you are thinking, “That was too long” or “I can’t ever get off the phone in a reasonable time when I call them.” And when you think that way, you likely feel drained or frustrated. 

Consider the last time you had a conversation that did feel fulfilling, regardless of length. What were you thinking differently about those conversations than these longer ones that had you feeling fulfilled? Maybe it was, “I’m so glad I called” or “it was really great to talk to them.”  Then, notice what might be preventing you from thinking this way about the long conversations.  

You also mention that you feel guilty for feeling drained after these conversations. This likely comes from a thought like “I shouldn’t be drained” or “I shouldn’t care that it’s a long conversation.

There is no rule for how you “should” feel about talking to someone you care about. And, there is nothing that says you have to speak to someone on the phone for 45 minutes if you don’t want to. 

You decide what you want staying connected to look like. For some people, that might be frequent, short conversations. For others, it might be less frequent but longer conversations, with countless variations in between. No matter what you prefer, you get to create a feeling of connection for yourself AND you can decide how long you want to talk. 

The key is understanding your thoughts about staying connected. Get curious: What are you making the longer conversations mean for you? Why would it be a problem to keep your conversation to a shorter length? Why not decide what you want and hold yourself to that?

We are frequently given the message that we should be trying to feel good all the time, but the reality is that our lives are always a mix. It’s possible you may like your reasons for having these longer conversations AND you may still feel some negative emotions afterward. And maybe it’s OK. You can love the person you converse with and it’s OK to be disappointed if the conversation runs longer than planned.  

Do you have a question for a Master Certified Life Coach? Please send your questions to kari@heykarianne.com OR submit via the “Ask Kari” page at heykarianne.com.